Round 15 vs Collegians X
Hawks win nearly Epic Grand Final Replay!
Well, it would have been a Grand Final replay if both teams had been in M4E last year and both had been in the Grand Final and it would have been an epic match if Collegians - X had played better. So we had to leave it to Geelong and that other team to do the Grand Final replay bit.
As it was, Token was off having her wisdom teeth out. Stretch obviously decided she didn’t need his support and buggered off to Qld for the weekend. Usain’s hammy is still not better. Obviously, didn’t want to show up his namesake who got beaten last week. Shoes went to a bloody ballet concert for god’s sake! He needs to learn some relationship lessons from Stretch. Buuuuut, Stick came out of retirement for a half game at least.
And so it came to pass, that the starting line up was a very ill Dangerous in goal, the Cap’n and a talkative (more about that later) RSL on the backline, Skittles, Target and the Enforcer on the half, Half Game on the left, Crown Jules inside, Yoda at Centre, HMAS at Inside Right and Spider (formerly known as Legs) out to the right.
It was a quiet game down on the back line and became quieter as the game wore on, save for RSL’s chat, as we started to get on song. This despite some very ordinary decisions from the Coll-X umpire who put even One Eyed to shame. 10 Minutes came on at left wing and promptly showed that he only needed one minute to score. Skittles and Target were working hard on the half line, receiving the ball and passing it back to the forwards.
The forwards again showed the benefit of short corner practice and have promised to do some soon. In short, the number of short corners awarded was in inverse proportion to the number of goals scored from said short corners! HMAS regularly set sail on a particular course, but showed none of the corvette like manoeuvres for which he was famous once upon a time.
At half time, Stick strode manfully across the field, having learned from an earlier game that if he turned up before half time, he would be expected to take the field. RSL gave us a pep talk about passing the ball off quickly, rather than running up the field and having it taken off us.
The second half was too quiet on the backline and RSL became so engrossed in his conversation with the Coll – X umpire that when the ball came down field he allowed it to pass by and into goal. Shortly after that, he took himself forward despite the Cap’n’s remonstrance, where apparently having ignored his own half time pep talk, he was seen to receive the ball, run down field and have it taken off him. Fortunately, he redeemed himself with some better work after that which avoided a certain lynching.
The result you ask? 5-1 to the Hawks!
Round 14 vs Old Camberwell
Tough Love
After having been trashed by the top team last week, this week we played second placed Old Camberwell. Alas, in the line up, it became apparent that the ‘Old’ in the name of our opposition was obviously not something which reflected the ages of the team.
Buuuutttt, we had come to play. Not only did we have 11, we had players on the bench! Not as many as our opposition, but still players on the bench.
The starting line up of Dangerous in goal, the Cap’n and RSL on the back line, the ever reliable Skittles, Target and Yoda on the half line and Stretch, The Enforcer, Gus ‘Shoes’ (think of Morris West) Evans, HMAS and Legs up forward. Half Game, Crown Jules and Brydie ‘Token’ Brooks lined the bench.
Dangerous had come from his sick bed to take his place in the team. RSL was bitching about his Achilles. The rest of us were just fine. After a forgettable game last week, Dangerous proved that with his temperature rising, he too was rising to the occasion. The unkind might just say it was luck, but to the team, never was Dangerous’ skill more evident than as he rushed out at 45 degrees to take on a mighty shot on goal and took it fair on the crook of his misshapen goalie stick.
With some short skilful passing and some close opportunities in goal, we was firing. HMAS was cruising, firing balls left and right from the catapult and had Legs and Shoes working overtime. Yoda and Target were tireless on the half line and even RSL and the Cap’n were seen to smight the ball now and again. Skittles got a little enthusiastic and squeezed Token’s thumb ‘tween ball and stick, with painful results.
The net result was 0-0 at half time.
Determined not to repeat our disastrous second half last week, we took it to them in the second half. The only hiccup was when the Cap’n decided that this would be a great opportunity to double his tally of goals and dextrously manoeuvred the ball around Dangerous and into goal – only to belatedly remember that when you score goals, it is supposed to be for your own side, not for the opposition.
Fortunately, we then moved the ball forward and with only the goalie to beat, Shoes put it away to level the score.
From there on it was a war of attrition. Legs took a slide on his knuckles on The Fisherman’s new surface and discovered as the Cap’n did some weeks ago, that on this surface, skin is detachable. The rest of us battled on gamely and finished the game without a further score.
All in all, a great game, played well.
The result 1-1.
Round 13 vs Latrobe Uni
Unfortunately, skill, youth & enthusiasm do count.
Up against La Trobe Uni (2), the top team in the division, which has not dropped a game all season, we were always going to be hard pushed.
Made worse by our growing injury list, Usain with a hammy and 10 minutes down to 1 minute, which was compounded by 3 no shows on the night.
With 11 players to call on, our starting line up of Dangerous in goal, the Cap’n and RSL on the backline, Skittles, Target and Yoda on half and Stretch, Half Game, Legs, HMAS and The Enforcer on the forward line.
The first half was a pretty even affair and although we went into half time 2-0 down, it could easily have been 2 all.
In the second half, we fell apart a bit. Age wearied us and even Skittles was looking tired in sympathy. We started trying to hit long and all that happened is that the other sided intercepted the ball and returned it to our back line. Regrettably, that meant that the other side started to score freely.
Unfortunately, this had something of a consequence for the Cap’n and RSL, as it suddenly seemed to be raining goalie gear when Dangerous decided that it was time to discard some of his gear before teaching the goals that if they were going to be so welcoming to the opposition’s ball, they would have to answer to him. Hopefully that is a lesson which the goals will have learned well, even if it does mean that Dangerous needs a new stick.
The end result was a 7-0 whitewash.
Round 12 vs MCC
Short is the only way to describe it. Starting with the number of players. We started with 9. Legs, Stretch and HMAS on the forward line, Skittles, Target and Half Game on the half line, the Capn and RSL as backs and Dangerous in goal. Mike ’10 Minutes’ Boyd then turned up and keen to impress his daughter, came straight on to the right wing for what proved to be a verrry loooong 10 minutes. Having scoffed a large sausage roll, Legs’ friend, Brydie, felt she could go one better than just watch and took the field at inside left.
Short was how the Cap’n came up in the first 20 minutes or so, when he suffered from the yips, the yaps and the blues as he hit the ball, if at all, directly to where one of our players wasn’t.
Short was the amount of time that the ball spent in our defensive half, thanks to some tireless work by the half line.
Short was RSL’s fuse as he watched our forwards dribbling, passing, shooting and generally having a wonderful time (well, except for those who were getting hacked around by the opposition) doing everything except scoring.
In short, we came up Short and lost 1-2 to MCC.
Hawthorn v Ajac Maccabi
As predicted by Simon the human octopus in a tense final countback which went so long it almost ran him late for the game, the Hawthorn M4E team emerged victorious from its intriguing tussle with tenth placed Maccabi with a percentage boosting win 10-2.
The omens were not good 2 minutes before the match when the Maccabi umpire tenderly inquired if we had the necessary 7 to start the match, however a quick count showed we were going to take the field with the Estimable Eight. In fact, by start time, we had been joined by Legs to make the starting line up – Dangerous in goal, the Cap’n on the back line, Half Game, Target and the Enforcer on the half line and Stretch, Yoda, Legs and Usain on the forward line. One Eyed was late, so Yoda’s dad stepped up to umpire.
Regrettably, our opposition unerringly picked our weakest link and headed straight for goal, weaved around the Cap’n and put one past Dangerous. That was to be their finest minute as we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves down, gave ourselves a mental shake and started to play the game as RSL arrived and joined the Cap’n on the backline. We headed forward and not long after levelled the score to a more satisfactory 1-1. Crown Jules arrived and joined the forward line and we started to play like a team. Not long after Skittles wandered past, saw there was a game on and decided to join in.
By half time the score was a respectable 2-1 and we were starting to look dangerous. After half time, this was helped by various members of our opposition deciding they had better things to do, with the result that their numbers rose to 9 before falling to 7 at times during the second half. And so it came to pass that Legs got his first goal, then his second goal and then his third goal. We stopped counting at that point in case he got a big head. Our opposition headed towards goal, Dangerous decided to juggle the ball to show our complete mastery, but alas, dropped it over the line, helping them to the more respectable score of 2. That was to be it and apart from a couple of anxious moments, our forwards started to see the advantages of passing the ball early and the rest, as they say, is history. Some great play on the half and forward lines. And so, once again, the octopus was right!
Hawthorn V TEM
After concern that we would be short and subsequent recruiting from veterans ranks, we had 15 players, dominated the game and went home very satisfied with a 2-0 win. Well done all, although with the opportunities we had (and a couple of very good opportunities that TEM stuffed up) it could, and should, have been about 5-2. But win we did, after a great team performance. After dominating the game and relentless attack in the first half we had not scored by half time. Robbie McIntosh was dominating at right half, setting up repeated attacks with Alex Schwartz that we just could not finish off. The defense was (mostly) rock-solid, which had a lot to do with close marking, good organization, and excellent support from our inners (Alex, Julian Lugg, Simon Lewis and others) and the Gusses on the wings. After we started to attack up the right as well as up the left it seemed inevitable that we would start scoring, but as we all know there sometimes isn’t much inevitability about the inevitable. But eventually we did, and we all went home happy.
Thanks to new recruits Alex Schwartz, Michael Boyd and Digby Laurence, who all made a valuable contribution, and Ian Scheer who flew in from Queensland to play the second half – and just as well he did, he scored our first goal.
Round 4 v Collegians X
Geelong Cats welcome Hawthorn Hockey Club on board! Proud Hawks proclaim their plagiarism!!
AAP report – Saturday, May 8 2010 – staff writers
As the song sung by the mighty Cats on more occasions than any other football club in the last 3 years (Carlton supporters, please note) goes: “We play the game as it should be played”
And so it is by the Hawthorn M4E team. As Cap’n Tony Elder said, “we play hockey like the Geelong Cats play football”. “We’re out there to win, but we’re also out there to have fun” When pressed on this extraordinary outburst, the Cap’n said he took the 5th, 4th and 9th amendments, until it was pointed out that the latter meant no beer after the match! At that point he relented and denied any knowledge of anything, which was a more accurate position than that taken at any time to that point!
However, the fact is that nowhere was this fundamental truth more apparent than the epic clash of the titans of Australian Hockey – Hawthorn v Collegians – X which took place on the Monash battleground at 5.00 pm on Saturday.
The Cap’n arrived first at around 4.20, but was not unduly perturbed when by 4.55 he had only been joined by the Enforcer and Simon Legs Lewis. Shortly after, Blocker turned up. With 6 months travel to come, he had obviously decided on a haircut for all seasons, or the length of his trip, whichever came first. Usain wandered in dressed in casual attire, but allayed fears, and produced a uniform from his bag. Slowly the mighty, if motley crew assembled. We were joined by Tim Hyphen Smith, who daintily draped tape across both knees before producing knee protectors of such dimensions that the Enforcer was heard to speculate that if anything else was applied, the Hyphen would not be able to move, let alone run.
By 5.00pm, not only did we have a team, but we had RSL and Crown Jules on the bench. The starting line up comprised Blocker in goals, Knees and the Cap’n on the backline. Skittles, Chris Target McAuley and the Enforcer made up the half line with Travis Stretch Grenfell, Half Game, the Hyphen, Legs and Usain on the forward line.
We started strongly and with some good passing caused the other mob some concern that we might score goals. Alas, it wasn’t to be and in the second part of the first half, we lost structure and started trying to hit the ball long with rather catastrophic results. Knees and RSL were seen in desperate sprints only 30-40 metres behind their opponents, as they ruthlessly ganged up on Blocker, who fortunately, kept his cool as he repelled their repeated attacks. Despite this, we went into half time at 1-0 up, at which point Legs reported his groin was hurting. No notice was taken as we have no interest in his sexual dysfunction.
After counselling from Knees and RSL, we took the field, older by 5 minutes but wiser by 20 years. Knees sensibly took the view that the rest of us knew nothing and adopted the role of (ageing) general. Under his orders, some discipline emerged and we started to threaten in earnest. Skittles was valiant in defence and Stretch was causing consternation to the opposition, however, despite repeated attacks on goal, particularly from Crown Jules, Legs and Half Game, we were unable to rack up that further score.
But the important thing was that we enjoyed it. And so did the opposition with a number of both teams commenting on what an enjoyable game it had been. As the Cap’n said, “See what I mean – we murdered them, but we had fun”.
Round 2 v La Trobe University
Sunday 25 April is famous for remembering a gallant battle against overwhelming odds. And so it was again in the trenches on the LaTrobe University ground at Bundoora at 2.30pm on Sunday. With many players away, ‘HMAS Melbourne’ Shimmin still injured, a (very, very late) withdrawal by ‘Crown’ Jules Lugg and a no show by Billy Chok, we only had 10 players to take the field against a team which apparently played in M2 last year and one member of which John ‘Knees’ Condon identified as having played A Grade in Darwin 2 years ago.
We lined up with Eamon ‘Blocker’ Merrick in goals, Normie ‘RSL’ Walker, and the captain on the backline, Robbie ‘Skittles’ McIntosh (for it is as a human skittle that some of our more cumbersome opponents seem to think of him) at left half, Robbie ‘Kid’ Hutchinson at centre half and Chris ‘Enforcer’ Legge at right half. Knees was on the left wing, Ian ‘Half Game’ Sheer at left inner, Alan ‘Stand In’ Leary at inside right and Gus ‘Usain’ Kiel on the right wing. Fortunately, Peter ‘One Eyed’ Lugg turned up to umpire.
After a very long minute’s silence as a mark of respect to the fallen and those about to fall, the game started.
Our worst fears were realised early as our opponents moved the ball around well and scored early, despite the best efforts of Blocker. With some closer marking and generally a more defensive approach, we started to take the game up to them. In between getting knocked over, Skittles was doing a great job dispossessing their attacking wing, Half Game was tireless in coming back to assist in defence and Stand In started to see the ball now and again. With able assistance from RSL, the Enforcer was moving the ball well out of defence and Usain was starting to move down the wing.
Shortly before half time, a face from the pages of our history was seen approaching over the horizon when ‘Stick’ Ingram put in an appearance and took our number to 11 on the field. Alas, he did little for the average age of the team, so we moved the younger legs of Skittles up to inside right and the Stand In went to Centre Forward. By now the Stand In was getting a bit of ball and had actually started to sweat.
Shortly after half time, we got our first short corner of the game however our opponents were not so gracious as to allow us a goal. Despite our opponents putting a few more goals past us, we were gallant in defence with RSL keeping out a number of attacks on our right post. Knees moved to left half and kept putting his stick in front of the ball with great effect and we had a couple of real opportunities to score with each of Stand In, Skittles, Usain and the Kid having good opportunities to score. Regrettably down the other end from One Eyed, so there was little he could do to help!
Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be and the game concluded with a good win for the Turks, oops, I mean LaTrobe, 7-0 over a magnificent defence from a sadly outgunned force.
Round 1 v MCC
MCC turned up with a coach and did drills before the game, a novelty which we had not encountered in our previous life as M3E. Somewhat alarmingly, most of the MCC team looked like they were about half the age of our captain. In anticipation of such treachery, we had wisely recruited some younger talent from the U15’s and placed them in key positions on the field.
This paid off with some outstanding play from Jack Jessup, Julian Lugg, Robbie McIntosh and Hugh Simpson, ably assisted by Gus Evans, which saw fine goals to each of Julian and Gus while the rest of us stood around and watched admiringly. Regrettably, while we were doing that MCC snuck a couple of goals in too which saw us finish with a 2-2 draw.